Have you ever wanted something so badly, so desperately that it actually, almost, hurts?
That’s how I feel every single day!
At the beginning of 2018 – when my mental health started having truly serious effects on me – I honestly do feel that was around the time there was that small – tiny – part of ME that honestly wanted to get better.
I seriously don’t remember much of last year at all, but, I do recall that it will be exactly one year on June 12th that I was actually sectioned and taken away from my family (for the 1st time)
I’m not going to go detailed again – I can’t, emotionally or… in any
other way – but, as you may know from my previous posts, over the following months I did make good progress.
However, the situation became out of hand again, with me declining very quickly in late October, resulting in me being taken miles away from home to a specialist EDU for the last 2 months of the year (for the second time!)
Early 2019 was, quick simply, amazing!
Yes, I was anxious about maintaining my meal plans and everything that went with no longer being in Hospital, but, nothing seemed too daunting.
I was so happy, enjoying cooking, trying new foods, being strict to my plan, not physically overdoing things and generally enjoying life as ‘normal’
I felt free and on the road to true recovery.
Then, yep… the last few months have been gradually downhill. AGAIN!
Less and less range, less and less food, majorly increased anxiety, heightened OCD and yes, you’ve guessed it… ‘exercise’ has escalated.
I even bought a treadmill (twice!) with the second one unwrapped and now plonked in our front room!!
What is wrong with me?!
Around the beginning of April (I believe) I did break down after a particularly dreadful week and Mum took me shopping for a few of the foods I had been comfortable with but had even started to dramatically cut out – Pears, Broccoli, Tomatoes, Potato… ALL HEALTHY!
Being the incredible person and Mum she is, she helped me start taking those little steps forward again, but, waves of self-confidence and emotions still kept hitting, with it being clear that no real progress was being made.
Perhaps eating a little better, but I was back on trying to find the products with the least possible Fats and Sugars etc. as I possibly could!
I felt absolutely dreadful – to be honest, I still do – which resulted in me voicing my true desire (yet again) of the body I wish for.
Incredibly fit – my entire body toned.
My tummy having a 6 pack.
My arms, legs, EVERYTHING being strong.
My bum being perky.
My face looking beautiful and full of life – not the old, wizened, ugly, black and yellow reflection I see staring back at me.
My wellbeing healthy.
My body being something I’m proud to show off – for the right reasons!
Yes, of course I want my anxieties and such to completely go, but, I honestly do realise that will only happen as I gradually become healthier and well.
I’ve said for so many months – years – of my dreams.
However much as I’d like to, I’m not the type of person to ‘name’ businesses or people, all I’ll say is that I found a way – on the Island – that could offer me exactly what I’d always hoped for.
Of course, with a huge amount of hard work, dedication, trust and belief – but, I was 100% up for it!
Nervous, but very excited!
At the first meeting, I became full of confidence and hope again.
Everything was going so well.
I was having foods I’d started to fear again – as well as trying a few ‘new’ foods too!
I was happier.
I was smiling.
I could do this! It was possible! My dreams could be my reality.
But, things started to ‘feel funny’…
Communication became slower and less friendly.
Information seemed very incorrect, hap-hazard and not normal.
My ‘faye like’ feelings (as Mum calls them) of knowing ‘something’ is wrong kicked in!
I was stressed and crying…again!
It all seemed too good to be true.
and guess what?
… Unfortunately, it was!
In just under 2 weeks, my confidence and hope was completely shot! Again!
My trust in people, foods, my own mind, vanished.
I didn’t see a future…
I didn’t see a point…
I just felt, empty…
All I could do was cry. Again!
However, after balling out more than I’d ever done before to my parents, from somewhere, I’ve no idea where, I found that teeny tiny spark of
I CAN DO IT, left in me!
I needed to take control of MY recovery.
Long (rather boring, I guess) story short…
It’s been such a blur the last couple of weeks.
It sure has been a roller-coaster ride, with the inevitable ending…right back at the beginning, but, a little more shaken up than when you started!
One step forward, 2 steps back.
My parents truly are there for me like never before.
I feel closer to them both.
I’m so very grateful to them for the amazing love, support, encouragement and understanding they have for me.
To be honest, I’m not doing too well again – plus, it’s now June!
In just a few days time (June 12th) it’ll be exactly a year that they first took me away from my parents.
That normal morning – still ecstatic from getting my First Class Honours the previous day – which turned and ended so very very differently and dispairingly – under section!
My emotions are running higher than ever.
My anxieties are running overtime.
My energy is running out from lack of sleep.
I feel beaten! Again!
I am still enjoying the much wider range of fruits I’d come across liking though, which I truly am pleased about! 🙂
Mum – being the very wise person she is – has voiced another little analogy for me with battling my fears and such.
She likened them to spiders.
Now, I don’t mind little spiders running around – say, thumb nail size, or those larger ‘whispy’ ones that don’t do much in the corner of the ceiling – but any bigger or beetle-y, (however much I hate to) they HAVE to go!!
(Although, please know that whenever we can, they DO go safely outside!)
So, when I become fearful, unsure of what to do and panicked, she asks me if its:
a little spider – if so…if I feel I can leave it, I should ‘face it’…
a big spider – if so, it’s too big of a challenge and it has to GO!
To be honest, I think i’ve had only 1 (maybe 1.5) little spiders so far, but, it’s all baby steps – and Mum knows that and often reminds me of it too and how hard she knows I’m trying.
She’s always always there for me – she truly does have the best cuddles in the world.
Just a bit of an update really, as well as it being my usual mind-spill that sometimes seems to help.
But, lets end on a lovely note…
It was my wonderful Lana’s 1st Birthday on Tuesday (4th).
I can’t believe she’s 1 already, but she’s still so so tiny (Yay!)
My Little’n. My Love. My perfect Girl!
Yep, you know what that means?
ANOTHER new toy for her Toy Box, a little extra Chicken at Dinner and…
a special box of Lilly’s Kitchen treats from my Mum too! 🙂
Her ‘second’ Birthday – the day I picked her up – is still yet to come though. So…
Pets at Home here I come…More toy shopping!
Well, it just has to be done! 🙂
Until next time…
(I’m so sorry, I won’t leave it so long again, I promise!)
(Main Image Illustration is by Owen Curtsinger.