I’m not going to lie – it’s bad…
I wasn’t going to share too many details but, why not?
Out of fear – Again!!
“Bad days happen to everyone, but when one happens to you, just keep doing your best and never let a bad day make you feel bad about yourself.”
I’ve never been this weak and poorly with my anorexia.
Very drawn, gaunt face: sunken eyes, hollow cheeks and temples, yellowy tinge, dry lips and skin, eye bags.
Pain: Chest, legs, back, arms – no muscle.
Weakness that I’ve never ever experienced – walking, upstairs, standing up, lifting, carrying – all very difficult.
Vision slightly off.
I’m CONSCIOUSLY CLEAN!
My body may be loosing the battle but my brain has NOT lost the FIGHT!
I know this may sounds ridiculous, but, this all seemed to happen overnight, with me suddenly realising, seeing and feeling how
very poorly I’ve become.
Yet, this all felt different – I look so…different! I honestly don’t recognise myself in the mirror any more – I’m not…me!
However, my wonderful parents are right by my side, with their absolutely incredible support, love, kindness, understanding, time… literally everything… doing all they possibly can to help me find ME.
I’m not go back to being me, NO, definitely not!
They are helping me find the REAL ME!
“Where there is life, there is hope.”
Over the last few weeks I’ve been continuing forward as I had been, with the very thought of change causing my anxiety to shoot through the roof with nerves, hesitation, uncertainty, tears, anger, relapses, but, to be completely truthful, all with a touch of…wanting to.
“Leap, and the net will appear”
My Mum often says this to me – often… it must be at least 6 times a day!
But, she’s right! John Burroughs is right! It’s true!
I do wish more than anything I could apply my same determination, strength and willpower to make that jump!
I just, can’t seem to.
Walking past our local Italian Restaurant (for example) I’d love nothing more than to go in with Mum and have a beautiful, artisan meal of the flavours and foods I love, but have and still do deprive myself from.
Again, I just, can’t seem to.
Mum’s convinced if I ‘just do it’ it’ll break the spell thats over me.
Although that isn’t possible and, yes, I’m sure everything would be okay in the long run, I so greatly fear, fear.
I fear that as a result, I MIGHT panic and over-exercise, or not eat for days to ‘compensate’ for it – which is honestly the last thing I want to do – so, I don’t, I play it safe, sniff in the delicious smells and keep on walking.
With all this in mind – as well as my parents understandable desperation, and very real fear for my health – my baby steps to the future have very much begun.
Gosh, this is always even tougher for me to talk about but, I must be strong, in EVERY aspect!
I’ve always eaten incredibly healthily – especially so since being discharged from The Priory – it’s just that, its never been nearly enough in quantity.
– Mum has helped me increase my calorie and macronutrients a little.
– We’ve changed my diet quite considerably:
—- I was having 4-6 portions of fruit/veg a day.
Pulses, Lentils, occasionally Rice, Pasta (even less occasionally).
Meat was Chicken, Cod occasionally and Tuna.
Each meal was including so many different ingredients in 1/2 or 1/4 portions, nothing was ‘working’ well with each other flavour wise, or
Not only was it taking time (for example, lunch being at least 2 hours, start to finish) but, it wasn’t even agreeing with my system, leaving me feeling sicker and sicker with every mouthful.
I wasn’t really even liking what I was eating either.
All in all, my relationship with food diminished further.
Much much more Fresh Fruit, with at least 4-6 full (80g) portions a day – Raspberries, Blueberries, Kiwi, Blackberries, Apricots, Plums, Pears (I’ve missed Pears!), Apples, Oranges, Peaches, Nectarines, Melon (New and loving it!) and even… Figs!
I tried a fresh one for the 1st time yesterday as part of my lunch of: Wholegrain Brown Rice, Organic, Free Range Chicken Breast, Edamame Beans, Walnuts and Fresh Figs…
Figs are definitely staying on the menu!
(This dish is actually the blog photo!)
* I take a few snaps of each of my meals for many reasons that I’ll perhaps talk about a little further some time, but, for now, I digress…*
Cereals and Ancient Grains – Rye, Barley, Buckwheat, Oats, Wholegrain Brown Basmati Rice, Wholegrain Pasta (occasionally still – it’s a trigger food!) and I’m looking into making my own Wholegrain Breads too!
NUTS!! – Boy, I’ve missed nuts so much – Walnuts (absolute favourite), Almonds, Brazil Nuts, Pecans, Cashews, Hazelnuts, Pistachios…
Seeds! – Sunflower (newly tried and now my favourite), Pumpkin, and my wonderful super find…CHIA SEEDS! (LOVE love these too!)
Meats – Chicken, Tuna, Salmon – going to try Sardines!
Oil – Extra Virgin, Unfiltered Olive Oil – this is a massive step for me, so I haven’t had any YET!
Herbs & Spices – My meals all lacked flavour, being so same-y and bland and…yuk! Now, I’ve ‘discovered’ seasonings (but not Salt!) which I’m hoping will make a big difference for me and create a Dish, rather than just a meal.
Dried Fruits – I was having Nakd Bars (as they are 100% natural/raw) until I got frightened of them through fear of dried fruit being unhealthy (again). But, on July 3rd, I had the ‘Pecan Pie’ flavour and guess what?
I was okay and… It. Was. Delicious!!
With a diet I absolutely love – as it’s the foods I WANT to have, that I enjoy eating, are 100% Raw, Natural and Healthy – are not making me feel (as) sick either – all in a serving/portion size that is worth having – AND it’s taking far far less time!
With Lana in tow, I truly do feel this is the start of my yellow brick road!
Going forward – and with my thankfully rekindled relationship with Nuts and Seeds – Mum and myself went shopping (she wonderfully takes me out everyday to town, somewhere beautiful we both love or…who knows!) and we stocked up on one of my favourite items…
Proper, Kilner Jars!
The shop had basically none left when we left!
Excitedly filling each one – of various sizes/shapes, of course – with my different Nuts and Seeds, it was on to the White (note, white!) Sesame Seeds when the inevitable happened…
Safely into their new little home, I flipped the lid over with a satisfying ‘dumf’ all ready to clip up its reassuring metal clasp, for the whole jar to slip out from under my hand!
Yep – I was in a shower of SESAME SEEDS!
My BEIGHY carpet – My WHITE worktop – My GREY hoodie!
…or at least, why the White Seeds?
Why not the BLACK Sesame Seeds?
or better still, the HUGE BROWN Brazil Nuts??
I think it was about 3.30am (another non sleep night) and I was brushing up tiny seeds from, well, everywhere!
Fearful of Lana waking and snaffling them, I was on my knees with coils of sticky-tape, hunting for every last one.
But, just after it happened, I honestly did, for the first time I can remember (not that this particular event has happened before mind you!) I actually slightly smiled/chuckled to myself.
Was it disbelief?
Expectation? (as that was exactly what I was trying to prevent from happening!)
or the fact that if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry?!
Well, what ever it was, I didn’t panic or stress, I simply… tidied up!
Dare I take on the Flour?
As many people have found over the years, there is inspiration in the most unlikely of places, which, throughout this post I’ve peppered a few quotes from… Sesame Street!… that I’ve come across over the while – and to be honest, seem very fitting in more than one way, don’t you you think…
I truly do have so much more to say about SO MANY different thoughts, ideas, experiences, my future plans…
But, for now,
“Life’s like a movie. Write your own ending.”
(K****t *h* **o*)
Until next time…
P.S. If you were wondering, the hidden quotes were by:
1st: Big Bird
2nd: Grover Monster
3rd: Kermit The Frog!
I’m not going to lie – it’s bad…