Sorry it’s been a while since I last posted but, things haven’t been going very well lately.
A few old habits trying to creep in – often succeeding – as well as the very persuasive noise that won’t hush in my head.
My Mum frequently says it’s like splinters working their way out…
I’d like to think – I truly do hope – that she is right, but…I don’t feel she is!
Don’t get me wrong, they hurt as much – even more so – than splinters, but it all feels so very very strong.
The last few days have been especially tough, with some incredibly deep lumps of wood pushing their way to the surface with force and vengeance.
Again, over the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to think of the things that make me…happy!
When most people are asked, if sure the response is somewhere along the lines of – a glass of bubbly, husband cooking, kids sleeping, a night in front of the tele, or perhaps a good book…
But, I keep thinking of the real things that actually get me smiling, the ones that stop me in my tracks and – even for a few seconds – allow me to forget the daily torment I face with living in my own head.
I really hoped to reach 15, but, 11 was quite difficult.
So, in no particular order at all…
My little things in life!
1. The smell of Lana’s head – knowing she is mine.
2. The peaking through of a new seedling – knowing that I’ve given it life.
3. The view across to Freshwater Bay from the Coastal Road – absolutely breath-taking every single time!
4. The sun beaming down onto me – with me stopped and eyes closed.
5. Fresh bedsheets – the comfort, crispness and smell!
6. Receiving post – rather than an email/message/text/pigeon!
7. Climbing into bed, knowing I don’t have to do anything for the next few hours…apart from close my eyes and have peace.
8. A shower – washing the day away!
9. When I allow myself to stop – and even sit down.
10. A fresh bar of Soap – never been touched by anyone but me.
11. A new month starting on a Monday – it’s so neat!
It truly does feel like I’m taking one step forward and 3 steps back lately.
I’m mixed in emotions: frustrated, angry, quiet, crying, smiling, exhausted, enthusiastic, panic, calm, anxious, love, hatred, clear, confused…
But, when will they stop?!
I just keep trying to repeat, imagine or experience even just one of my ‘little things in life’, to try and get me through the panic, anxiety and pain of these sharp, sharp shards.
It occasionally helps – although not very often – but, sometimes, it’s all I have.
If you feel comfortable enough to do so, I’d truly love to hear a few of your ‘little things in life’ – and (with your kind permission please?) I’m very keen to compile them all together in some way too…
Until next time…