Anxiety Future Lana Mental Health

Splinters in Happiness

Sorry it’s been a while since I last posted but, things haven’t been going very well lately.

A few old habits trying to creep in – often succeeding – as well as the very persuasive noise that won’t hush in my head.

My Mum frequently says it’s like splinters working their way out…
I’d like to think – I truly do hope – that she is right, but…I don’t feel she is!

Don’t get me wrong, they hurt as much – even more so – than splinters, but it all feels so very very strong.

The last few days have been especially tough, with some incredibly deep lumps of wood pushing their way to the surface with force and vengeance.

Again, over the last couple of days, I’ve been trying to think of the things that make me…happy!

When most people are asked, if sure the response is somewhere along the lines of – a glass of bubbly, husband cooking, kids sleeping, a night in front of the tele, or perhaps a good book…

But, I keep thinking of the real things that actually get me smiling, the ones that stop me in my tracks and – even for a few seconds – allow me to forget the daily torment I face with living in my own head.

I really hoped to reach 15, but, 11 was quite difficult.
So, in no particular order at all…

My little things in life!

1. The smell of Lana’s head – knowing she is mine.
2. The peaking through of a new seedling – knowing that I’ve given it life.
3. The view across to Freshwater Bay from the Coastal Road – absolutely breath-taking every single time!
4. The sun beaming down onto me – with me stopped and eyes closed.
5. Fresh bedsheets – the comfort, crispness and smell!
6. Receiving post – rather than an email/message/text/pigeon!
7. Climbing into bed, knowing I don’t have to do anything for the next few hours…apart from close my eyes and have peace.
8. A shower – washing the day away!
9. When I allow myself to stop – and even sit down.
10. A fresh bar of Soap – never been touched by anyone but me.
11. A new month starting on a Monday – it’s so neat!

It truly does feel like I’m taking one step forward and 3 steps back lately.

I’m mixed in emotions: frustrated, angry, quiet, crying, smiling, exhausted, enthusiastic, panic, calm, anxious, love, hatred, clear, confused…

Splinters perhaps?!
But, when will they stop?!

I just keep trying to repeat, imagine or experience even just one of my ‘little things in life’, to try and get me through the panic, anxiety and pain of these sharp, sharp shards.

It occasionally helps – although not very often – but, sometimes, it’s all I have.

If you feel comfortable enough to do so, I’d truly love to hear a few of your ‘little things in life’ – and (with your kind permission please?) I’m very keen to compile them all together in some way too…

Until next time…
E

11 thoughts on “Splinters in Happiness”

  1. Beautifully written! I think your ‘little things’ in life are the substance of what makes all of us happy… those little things that touch us deeply, which are priceless, yet free. Those things we all turn to when life gets tough. Sunlight caught in the fibres of reeds or grass seeds, Buzzards soaring high above in the sky, birdsong, new leaves emerging, the softness of Stanley’s ears… as John Denver wrote (and sang) “Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy”. Autumn used to be my favourite season, but this year, I really appreciate the energy of Spring… its trying so hard to break through… The energy of the Universe is limitless, and it falls peacefully upon our shoulders – breathe it in, soak it up, store it – and make good use of it.

    1. I’m so sorry for such a late reply Anthea!
      Thank You so much that’s really kind. Yes, that’s exactly right and how I feel about them – the little things that are so very important and are often, regrettably, taken for granted!
      That is a lovely line for sure – a simple phrase with such a powerful message…again, probably taken for face value.
      Autumn is lovely, with all the glorious colours and crisp leaves. I’ve always looked upon Summer as mine due to it being the warmest few weeks – although every season has it’s wonderful aspects of course – but, I must certainly agree that Spring truly is now top of my list too and will be forever more. Seeing so much life coming up before my eyes – and as a result of me starting off their journey – truly is so magical, beautiful and is one of my ‘little things’ to hold on to!

  2. Eleanor, we are so alike. Your mum is so right about splinters, its a really good way to visualise these hurtful things working their way out of you.

    These are my little things:

    The smell of my goats beautiful scent (not the bucks though!)
    Looking at colourful textiles and dreaming of what I will create with them.
    Knitting my sheep’s home spun wool, and the smell of their lanolin even after washing.
    Planting seeds, pricking out and showering them all with love when I water.
    The scent of flowers I find intoxicating.
    Lying on warm sand without a towel or blanket, with the sun on my face.
    Lying in the long grass listening to insects and the warm earthy smell.
    Eating sticky, iced, pretty looking cakes.
    Buying and wearing new brightly coloured lipsticks.
    Spraying myself in my favourite Chanel perfume each morning after my shower even though I’m going to be outdoors with goats or dealing with soil!
    Smiling and always trying to be kind to others.

    Gosh I could keep going. . . So many things make me feel at peace (and less anxious and worried), I really indulge myself when I think about it and its mainly sensory (smell, colour and feel)

    xxxxx lots of love to you xxxxx

    1. I’m so so sorry for such a late reply!
      Oow, I’m not sure what to say. You really are so wonderful – I truly don’t feel I’m even close to how kind, generous, friendly, supportive, loving and beautiful (and so much more) you are though!
      Yes, it’s definitely a point to remember when things are going badly.
      Thank You so much for your list of ‘little things’, that truly is so kind of you to share them – and what a wonderful selection. I’m so pleased you have found so many of positive triggers for you that work for your anxiety.
      …and right you should too, you certainly do deserve it in my eyes, just for being you!
      xxx Thank you again (for everything) and lots of love to you too. xxXx

  3. Old habits will keep coming to visit. Mindfulness can help. Acknowledge that they are there and then try to dismiss them.

    1. Sorry for the late reply. Yes, they certainly do Joe. That’s certainly something I’m working on for sure, but, it truly is easier said than done for me I’m afraid. Hopefully one day…

  4. My little things?
    Well you know me Ellie – little things are my passion.
    I don’t just mean scale models – I mean little humans as well. My much loved grand children truly lift my spirits with their funny little sayings and behaviour. The littlest, Verity, is just 7 weeks old.
    Seeing the first daffodils bloom in my garden was another little thing. And a window box of beautiful pansies in the early spring sunshine. Knowing I had completed the AIM imag 70 was another – actually that could be considered quite a big thing 😉
    Hearing the dawn chorus now the clocks have changed makes my morning bright whatever the weather.
    Having a special Mothers’ Day tea (well actually it was Prosecco) with my family was brilliant.
    Getting a new calligraphy pen was good as well – just have to get some practice with it.

    You’re doing great, Ellie. Look onwards an upwards. xxx

    1. Sorry for the late reply Sally!
      I certainly do Sally! Aww, I do love that phrase…little humans!
      Thank You so much for your ‘little things’ and what a lovely, beautiful list it is – definitely many things to treasure there as memories too!
      Thank You, that’s really so kind of you – I truly don’t feel it though. Yes, I guess it’s the only way right now…!
      xx

  5. I see your struggle and know how hard you always try – it is good to take that moment to stop and to smile – thank you for reminding us all to do just that. XxX

    1. I’m so sorry for the late reply Mum! Thank You, I truly always do, I just get so incredibly overwhelmed and frightened – I’m so sorry it has such an impact on you too! Please forgive me?! I really do try to as much as I can, it just seems more and more difficult as each day passes. Thank You for everything you do for me – for us all! xXx

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