I’m so sorry once again for letting my blog slip a little, but, to be completely honest, things have still been rather difficult for me and regrettably, I just haven’t felt ‘able to’ write in a way I feel warrants others reading – being filled even more so with self-doubt about the majority of my thoughts, actions and words.
I wasn’t really sure what I even wanted to write about, so I thought ‘jottings’, as my Mum called it, might be a way forward – just touching on the various things I’ve tried, completed, seen, done, experienced etc…. just seeing where it goes really!…a little bit of a ‘mind-dump’, of want of a slightly better phrase!
So, since my last post a lot has happened, but, the main things I can think of…
I’ve enjoyed a few more of my ‘little things’ which have been wonderful – such as a fresh bar of soap, Lana’s special little head smell, as well as driving the Military Road and seeing Freshwater Bay rising from the distance.
Even though it was freezing cold and we both shivered all afternoon, I really am so proud of my little side-kick for placing:
2nd in Best Condition.
3rd in Prettiest Girl.
2nd in Best Handler. (oh, well…that was me too though!)
I’d wanted one for a good few years so, on the very first day I could – my 18th Birthday – I got a beautiful Dragonfly on my left, inner forearm!
Well… at the time I thought it was beautiful, but a few short months afterwards, I hated the wings (as they were very uneven) and I grew to dislike its static-ness, fading colour and just general appearance – it didn’t ‘fit’ and looked plonked!
Having had several other tattoos since, for my 26th Birthday this year (at the end of March) my Mum asked if I wanted another – as she knew I had hoped to get one to mark my Graduation – but, given the events of last year, it didn’t come to fruition.
To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow
as it just doesn’t ring true with me, so would just feel wrong to include.
as mentioned at the beginning…
it’s truly not great!
Things did get incredibly low a few weeks ago and Mum helped me pick up slightly again, but, I feel it all slipping away from me again.
I know, don’t we all…
The reality is – a disturbed sleep of constantly waking, being fully awake from about 2.30-3 am (waiting for the morning to come… and, well writing this today!) followed by OCD thoughts – and actions – from the second I move, anxiety, depression, feeling cold, tired, confused, wanting to eat, to it being the last thing I want to do, a really early night…and so much more – including, an increasing lack of ‘drive’ and ‘care’.
I just can’t break out!