Anxiety Future Gardening Growing Lana Mental Health OCD

Tethered by my own mind.

I’m so sorry once again for letting my blog slip a little, but, to be completely honest, things have still been rather difficult for me and regrettably, I just haven’t felt ‘able to’ write in a way I feel warrants others reading – being filled even more so with self-doubt about the majority of my thoughts, actions and words.

Even writing this now, I genuinely keep thinking I should re-write the first few lines as I’m anxious you’ll think badly of my choice of wording, in case you think that I feel everyone should read my blog.

I wasn’t really sure what I even wanted to write about, so I thought ‘jottings’, as my Mum called it, might be a way forward – just touching on the various things I’ve tried, completed, seen, done, experienced etc…. just seeing where it goes really!…a little bit of a ‘mind-dump’, of want of a slightly better phrase!

So, since my last post a lot has happened, but, the main things I can think of…

I’ve enjoyed a few more of my ‘little things’ which have been wonderful – such as a fresh bar of soap, Lana’s special little head smell, as well as driving the Military Road and seeing Freshwater Bay rising from the distance.

Lots more of my seedlings have popped up, some still haven’t, some didn’t germinate or… have not been quite so fortunate to survive due to various factors (mainly hungry little slimy critters that I just can’t seem to find!)

My gorgeous Lana won 3 rosettes at a local Fun Charity Dog Show!
Even though it was freezing cold and we both shivered all afternoon, I really am so proud of my little side-kick for placing:
2nd in Best Condition.
3rd in Prettiest Girl.
2nd in Best Handler.  (oh, well…that was me too though!)
It truly does make me feel good knowing I’m raising her so well! 💜
I’ve so far had 2 sessions of work on my tattoo:
I’d wanted one for a good few years so, on the very first day I could – my 18th Birthday – I got a beautiful Dragonfly on my left, inner forearm!
Well… at the time I thought it was beautiful, but a few short months afterwards, I hated the wings (as they were very uneven) and I grew to dislike its static-ness, fading colour and just general appearance – it didn’t ‘fit’ and looked plonked!

Having had several other tattoos since, for my 26th Birthday this year (at the end of March) my Mum asked if I wanted another – as she knew I had hoped to get one to mark my Graduation – but, given the events of last year, it didn’t come to fruition.
As that was nearly a year ago now, I decided I wanted something that would encompass, NOT cover, my self-harm scars on my left arm, but, given how recent they are, the tattooist advised against inking on-top due to healing, pain and the design ‘bleeding’ across the scar tissue.

My initial thoughts were to have a beautiful Phoenix – with its tail working in/disguising my Dragonfly – with the quote ‘Still I Rise’ alongside.
However, as I touched on before, I truly have been (and continue to be) struggling a great deal lately, to which this design felt wrong, fake and truly not right!
With various different ideas flying back and forth – as well as my (often usual) approach to just ‘forgot it completely’ – my Dragonfly is being reworked instead of covered (as it should be and can be beautiful!) with various additions to the whole design to give it much more meaning and… not look so out of place!
Again, due to my own feelings, I’ve scratched the newly chosen quote:
To plant a garden is to believe in tomorrow
as it just doesn’t ring true with me, so would just feel wrong to include.
I won’t say anything further now, but, I’ll be sure to share more and reveal the finished piece soon!
As for daily life in general…
as mentioned at the beginning…
it’s truly not great!

Things did get incredibly low a few weeks ago and Mum helped me pick up slightly again, but, I feel it all slipping away from me again.

I have to admit that, every morning I dread the day ahead of me and so desperately wish I didn’t have to face it, could roll over and stay in bed.
I know, don’t we all…
But, No!
The reality is – a disturbed sleep of constantly waking, being fully awake from about 2.30-3 am (waiting for the morning to come… and, well writing this today!) followed by OCD thoughts – and actions – from the second I move, anxiety, depression, feeling cold, tired, confused, wanting to eat, to it being the last thing I want to do, a really early night…and so much more – including, an increasing lack of ‘drive’ and ‘care’.

Although occasionally peppered with my ‘little things’ and the brief time I allow myself to do the things I want to (such as potting on my plants and writing) this battle I face everyday, between – essentially – my head and my heart, truly is so exhausting, deliberating and painful.

In the past I’ve always looked at the 1st of the Month as being a fresh starting point, but, not today unfortunately – which does worry me a little…but, not that much – which…should that be worrying in itself?!?
Either way, it is just another day, nothing special about it at all! Plus, if my memory serves me right, it’s exactly one year since my first mental health assessment meeting took place…and in the same room that is now mine!!
Everyday is a reminder. Everyday is a struggle. Everyday is the same.
I feel like that tethered Horse!

Free, but…

I just can’t break out!

Until next time (soon!)

4 thoughts on “Tethered by my own mind.”

  1. Ellie, thanks for your honesty, I’m sure your journey will speak to others. I’m thinking of youxx

  2. You’ve achieved so much since your last post, the charity dog show sounded fun and its fantastic that you and Lana won well deserved prizes. Its easier said than done, but you need to try and ‘allow’ yourself more time for the things you really want to do, like potting up your plants. Sometimes I pot up in the evenings with a head torch on, its so peaceful and everything smells so earthy – you can spot the little critters easier in the evening, this is when they come out to play! (I’ve just been in my polytunnel and there is a giant fat rat scurrying about! It has flattened some of my seedlings, I’m not keen on rats so I’m avoiding it tonight!). Looking forward to seeing your tattoo when it is finished! Lots of love to you. xxxxxx

    1. I’m so very sorry for my late reply.
      Ow, it truly doesn’t feel or seem that way, but Thank You so much – the Dog Show was lovely and I’m very proud of my little’n, that’s for sure!
      Yes, you’re right, I just don’t feel I can to be honest. Oh, that sounds wonderful. I can just imagine what an amazing atmosphere that must be like to be in – the crispy night coming in, the sun fading, bugs gathering…being completely with the beauty of Mother Nature.
      I hope you had a lovely evening – oooh, gosh, I’m so sorry…and that critter has now left!! I don’t blame you, I would have too!
      Thank You, I’ll be sure to post a few photos soon!
      Thank You again, for everything. Lots of love to you too. xxxxx

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